Open Letter to President Bush

Dear Mr. President,

Thank you and congratulations on your recent victory in Iraq. Many people were doubtful that you would do so well and so fast. (General Barry McCaffery (ret.) for one was especially harsh in his criticisms -- sour milk). I, for one, was sure that you would succeed, and quickly so.

Now those same doubters are telling you where to invade and not invade next. Some want you to go into Syria and some into Iran or North Korea. Well from one who has always been supportive of you and your wars, I would like you to think about invading another political entity, one equally as horrible as any of the axis of evil you have already identified.

I know that you do not want to invade just any country, but only one where there exists rampant and gross violations of human civil liberties, one which is controlled by a few with dictatorial power depriving people of basic rights of freedom of speech, political expression and property rights.

I suggest that there is another locale more menacing, more anti-humanitarian, more terrorist oriented than any you have been told about to date. Mr. President if you would extend the Iraq-Iran-North Korea axis-of-evil line through its natural progression (into and through the Pacific Ocean) you would reach, yes Mr. President, the City of Santa Monica.

This fourth locale, the actual anchor of the axis of evil, is more heinous, more burdensome, more repressive than any other government you have seen yet. Santa Monica is ruled by a radical religious political minority party called SMRR, which is more repressive than Saddam Hussein or any other leader you have had the misfortune to see or hear about (either in person or on television).

Here in Santa Monica there is no right to speak freely (see Tenant Harassment Law making it illegal for a Housing Provider to talk to or not talk to a tenant) and there is no private property rights (see Rent Control and Zoning laws) as you have in America under your 1st and 5th amendments to the U.S. Constitution.

So what I am suggesting to you is that you have your US Armed forces invade Santa Monica and liberate it from the unholy alliance who rule it like a private country club. In the process, you will be liberating the few Americans who are being held hostage here (forced to work at maintaining apartment buildings for absentee tenants).

While I am not a military expert by any means, I have been studying the situation (based on what I have learned from CNN's "Iraqi Freedom" -- was that their name or yours?). I suggest that you send only one aircraft carrier (from San Diego) plus 15 tank carrier ships and 5,000 paratroopers (the 101st Air Borne would be preferable, they have Bastone flowing in their blood).

Be sure to park the air craft carrier near Catalina Island, because if it comes any closer, your pilots will over-fly the city and maybe bomb Beverly Hills by mistake. The two towns are getting to look and feel very much alike. (Bombing Beverly Hills would be a negative thing, and you will be hearing about that in movies for years to come).

A few Harrier jets will easily take out all opposition. Now, land the tanks on the beach south of the pier, drive up Ocean Park Blvd. to Main Street, turn left and go five blocks to City Hall (you can't miss that building, it is the only one in Santa Monica which has an American flag flying -- it is a throw back to the old days before SM seceded from the United States).

Do NOT land north of the pier because there is a large bluff there and that will slow the tanks up considerably. They would have to drive up the California Incline, and the poor condition it is in, will mean great delays for the tanks. Drop the 5,000 paratroopers onto the RAND Land across from City Hall. (Please be careful not to ruin the $53 million soil we just purchased).

However, if the carrier plans wish to blow up some buildings, may I suggest the new Saddam Hussein Memorial Civil Servant Building being built behind City Hall at the tune of $64 million. That building is perhaps the ugliest building ever built by humans (if indeed they are in control of the design and building), and is supposed to be Nouveau Oppression in design (I don't doubt it for a moment).

It is also destined to be the headquarters for the repressive City semi-secret police department, where SMRR plans to further intimidate housing providers of our city. If you give me some warning of your visit, I will have crosses painted on the tops of local apartment buildings which have gotten Costa-Hawkins increases, the rest just blow away.

Santa Monica is so very close to Baghdad in so many ways. People are sleeping in the streets starving, no food to eat and no shelter to keep them warm, no clothes to wear, and yet the City is busy building these edifice mansions to the greater glory of its political leaders. RAND redevelopment ($53 million to start $300 million to finish?), police station ($72 million) public library (it will hold only 1/6 more books and cost $66 million).

Doesn't that sound like Saddam Hussein's program of building palaces while his people starved to death. All public revenues being used to build unneeded palaces to promote the grandeur of the SMRR political party, to the detriment of schools, poor, homeless, and the hungry sleeping in the streets.

By the way, the poor living the Pico Corridor will quickly come to join your forces once you drive into town. They will be a wealth of information to discovery where the City's hidden documents of graft and nepotism are buried. They will also assist you in rooting out the enemies of the people.

Now while I do not think you will need the same size army as in Iraq, I do not want you to underrate these political quacks. They have staying power, they know a good thing (money train) when they see it, and will not be easily deposed. There is no tearing down of a statue or two and then going home.

I think it will be harder in some ways than in Baghdad. These hacks will fight like cats and dogs for their quarters. However, if you time your arrive correctly, most of them will be away living in their real homes, as many of them only have apartments in our city as vacation homes, absentee tenants.

Dear President, do not abandon us, we are overwhelmed, abused, battered and forlorn. Help us. Please bring the American flag and all it stands for, to Santa Monica. We here are ready to embrace the American way of life with its constitutional guarantees. We have forgotten what that all means, but if you leave a caretaker government behind, we will learn what American is about, all over again.

Rosario Perry

(Eds. Note: Rosario Perry is a landlord attorney and columnist for ACTION WAM, the monthly magazine published by ACTION Apartment Association)